17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
a Reason to Smile
Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis
Even though I had written, I was still angry. I was like a woman with a REALLY bad PMS attitude. I did not give a damn if anyone got hurt in the process because I wanted them to know what my heart was going through. My child is gone, my child is never coming back, my child was taken away for no reason, my child had to suffer while other mothers abandoned and neglected their children. I had to give mine back even though I wanted to keep her with me forever.
My faith was no longer what it once was – what do I believe in? I believe in my God that can make a miracle happen and loves children unconditionally. But then how does He allow me to hurt so much every single day? How could He allow my child to be so sick for so long and suffer for so long when He could just have cured her and we could have carried on with our lives like normal people do.
But I came down to earth with a bang when I realised that He only gives when He receives, if I can put it that way. It does not help that you only know the Lord in bad times; you also need to know Him in good times because you cannot expect Him to just give and do everything and when He does then you forget about Him again.
But it did not take away my anger. I asked questions like why my child? What did she do to deserve this? Who gives Him the right to give me my child and to let me learn to love her and then just take her away again when He felt like it.
My heart was in pieces and nothing and no one could make it better. I had to accept the fact that my child is dead, and I could do nothing to save her.
Every woman remembers specific dates on which they achieved specific milestones. They are just those special moments that one will remember forever…
Well… I remember the following dates:
2005/12/26 – Found out I am pregnant with Xuané
2006/03/04 – My Wedding Day
2006/08/17 – Xuané’s Birth
2008/05/19 – Found out I am pregnant with Mia
2009/01/08 – Mia’s Birth
2009/10/28 – Xuané’s First Operation
2010/02/02 – Xuané’s First 5 Hour Operation
2010/02/11 – Xuané Diagnosed with Cancer
2010/03/08 – Xuané’s Radiation Treatment begins
2010/04/21 – Xuané’s Radiation Treatment ends
2010/11/26 – Xuané’s Second 5 Hour Operation
2010/12/16 – Xuané’s First Chemotherapy Treatment
2011/01/21 – Xuané’s Second Chemotherapy Treatment
2011/02/19 – Xuané’s Third Chemotherapy Treatment
2012/04/12 – Docters tell us Xuané has 2 years left to live
2014/10/24 – Xuané Died
2014/10/28 – Xuané’s Funeral
2014/10/30 – Xuané’s Cremation
As I look at these dates, there were more bad times that I remember than good… and that is not right. One should see dates and say “Phew! We did this and we did that” not how many times we were in the hospital and how many operations were undergone.
One gets forms that one must fill in at each hospital admittance, and you get a fright when you realise that you can complete them with closed eyes because you have done so many, and you can remember your Medical Aid Number off by heart; it is like a telephone number that one memorises….
Little Fighters Cancer Trust would like to extend a huge thank you to the Niewenhuis family for allowing us to share Xuané’s story and photos, and hope that it will bring Awareness regarding Childhood Cancer to the public in general so that they can get a bit of an idea what battling Childhood Cancer is like – why the Little Fighters Cancer Trust does what it does, why creating Awareness around Childhood Cancer is so important, and enlightenment to other parents.
We will continue with Part 23 of Xuané… a Reason to Smile tomorrow…