17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
a Reason to Smile
Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis
My emotions rode the gamut and I became angrier each day, more scared and more at my wit’s end because the more questions I asked the less answers I got.
I decided that the best way to deal with these emotions was to write them down for everyone to read.
Mommy is angry. Mommy is disappointed. Mommy is terrified. Mommy is despondent. Mommy is heartbroken.
Mommy is angry because you are no longer here. Mommy is angry because Jesus could have healed you but He didn’t. Mommy is angry that even with all the technology that is available today not one doctor could help you. Mommy is angry because my heart is so sore that nobody can heal it except for you.
Mommy is disappointed because you are no longer here. Mommy is disappointed because Jesus allowed you to go through all that pain. Mommy is disappointed because you had to go through all that pain for 5 years and nobody could help you. Mommy is disappointed because there is no medicine for a sore and broken heart.
Mommy is terrified because you are no longer here. Mommy is terrified because what if I do not see you again one day with Jesus? Mommy is terrified with the thought that I disappointed you. Mommy is terrified because my broken heart may just damage my spirit so much that I do not want to get up again.
Mommy is despondent because not one tear can bring you back. Mommy is despondent because no matter how many times I ask, He does not give me answers. Mommy is despondent because I have to relate over and over how you had to struggle, no matter how much it hurts.
Mommy is heartbroken because I do not hear you call in the night anymore. Mommy is heartbroken because I cannot care for you anymore. Mommy is heartbroken because I cannot hold you close and protect you anymore. Mommy is heartbroken because all that I see is a casket and not your beautiful sparkling eyes.
My beloved Bekkieblom… your mother’s heart is shattered. Mom is angry at Dear Jesus because how can he give you to me and then just take you away again. Mom is disappointed at the medical fraternity because they can heal HIV but not cancer. Mom is fed-up because I do not know how to answer all the questions. Mom is sad because my Bekkie is gone forever and always.
I know that I am allowed to get angry and ask questions and scream and shout because you were mine. You were my ray of sunshine because you always laughed and your eyes sparkled through all the pain and you were always ready with a hug or a “LOVE YOU!”
Mom knows that Dear Jesus had his reasons; I do not understand them and I don’t think that I ever will, but I know that you fulfilled your mission on earth – it is now my goal to find out what that mission was. Mom is sooooo afraid to tackle everything without you, but I PROMISE you now that the devil will not get his way. We’ll show him who’s boss!
My heart will forever remain hurt because every mom just wants her children healthy and at her side, and you are not. I have to live with that. It is hard, it is not nice and it’s cruel.
Mom tries to cry softly so that no one sees. But sometimes these emotions of mom’s just take over and then I just want to howl. Just know that with every tear that this mother sheds I will become stronger … this mother misses her Bekkie with every bit of her being her and wishes for just a few more moments with you!
Little Fighters Cancer Trust would like to extend a huge thank you to the Niewenhuis family for allowing us to share Xuané’s story and photos, and hope that it will bring Awareness regarding Childhood Cancer to the public in general so that they can get a bit of an idea what battling Childhood Cancer is like – why the Little Fighters Cancer Trust does what it does, why creating Awareness around Childhood Cancer is so important, and enlightenment to other parents.
We will continue with Part 22 of Xuané… a Reason to Smile tomorrow…