17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
a Reason to Smile
Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis
Juanita du Plessis sings a song “Ek Laat Jou Gaan.” She was Xuané’s favourite singer and this song was also played at her funeral. The words never really made sense to me until the night of 17th October 2014. I knew I had to let her go but I did not know that it was going to be so bitterly sore.
The words touch one’s heartstrings but they say exactly what I wanted to say to her so I asked that this song be played in the church especially for her.
“I Let You Go”
(Loose translation for those who do not speak Afrikaans)
A heart that breaks, a tear that rolls, it is the deepest hurt that nobody will understand.
I know it is time, my heart is full and I do not want to let you see me cry
With every heartbeat my soul screams inside of me
I so much want you to stay longer but I set you free, I let you go.
All the tracks to the rainbow call your name; your dreams are all waiting, go and fetch them now
I will be here if you turn around, to hold you up high.
This time I cannot go with you my love; I let you go…
I love you; never forget that. There will be a vacuum here that nobody can fill
I look upwards and I know that you know that you will be safe where I cannot see you
Here I remain; here I must stay. I wipe the tears away and put on a smile…
But I set you free, I let you go…
I had many emotions and cried a lot. I had questions, anger, hurt. Nobody could explain to me why and wherefore. I wanted to distance myself from everyone and everything but it was impossible with Christmas around the corner.
I got up every morning with emptiness in my heart, and it was as though the hole was getting ever bigger with every day that passed. I started to make lists of everything that was needed for Christmas to occupy my mind but every time I caught myself looking at photos and thinking of her.
Little Fighters Cancer Trust would like to extend a huge thank you to the Niewenhuis family for allowing us to share Xuané’s story and photos, and hope that it will bring Awareness regarding Childhood Cancer to the public in general so that they can get a bit of an idea what battling Childhood Cancer is like – why the Little Fighters Cancer Trust does what it does, why creating Awareness around Childhood Cancer is so important, and enlightenment to other parents.
We will continue with Part 10 of Xuané… a Reason to Smile tomorrow…