Herewith this week’s article as penned by Ethan’s Mom, Gila Jacobs, on her feelings as an Onco Mom in dealing with the daily trials and tribulations of cancer. As originally explained, this article is posted as is to maintain integrity and passion.
29 July 2014
I must admit, I have not written anything in a while, mostly because I don’t know how to put down in words what I’m feeling. It’s strange for me as I’m usually very good with words (even if I say so myself). But I’m sort of hanging in limbo experiencing this “post cancer treatment” life.
I’m not sure what to feel about it. I mean, just when I start feeling positive and good about Ethan’s future… he gets a fever that an ordinary paediatrician cannot find the source of, and we are back to Red Cross doing all sorts of tests trying to find out why there’s a fever.
Sitting and waiting at Red Cross again transformed me right back to where we have come from. Sitting with your sick child in your arms, sitting with uncertainty waiting for test results. Blood tests, urine tests, port culture tests… I was immediately sad for my son, for my husband and for me. We had just started forgetting about those days and yet here we were… back in tow.
After clear test results but no real reason for the fever, we were given a dose of antibiotics in the port and sent home with oral medication. An all too familiar drive back home in peak traffic. That’s usually the time of day we would be leaving after an admission for chemo. So the feeling was really nostalgic. Horribly so. We drove in silence most of the way. As we would have, after an admission. I guess there’s too much emotion to verbalise, exhaustion too. So we just listen to the radio until we get home and pick-up the bath/supper routine. I am just now realising this. So how do I feel about it? I can’t explain.
It has however become clear that we will NEVER be parents who can take their child to the GP and that would be it. We would always have to do extra tests and be extra vigilant about any illness he gets. It would never be simple for us.
Ethan is fine now, fever took a day or 2 to subside and it seems whatever infection it was has been cleared by the antibiotic he was taking. He’s fine now but I’m certainly not!
I spotted a lymph node in his neck which his doctor is not worried about as he’s sure it appeared in response to the infection he had. And it is soft and moving around so it should disappear after some time. Nothing to worry about… yeah right! Try telling ME that… my throat chokes up just thinking about it!
So, how do I feel about it? Pretty petrified! I’m scared to death by a small little lymph node! Normal? I don’t know, but I don’t really care to answer that question right now. I just care to get through today.
My name is Gila Jacobs, my son Ethan is recovering from cancer. My husband and I are recovering from shock, stress, financial burdens due to medical bills and plain and simple exhaustion. This is our story.